The Best of Saved by the Bell: Part I

Saved by the Bell, like Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, barely snuck into the 80’s. The first season began in 1989, and followed the antics of a bunch of wacky high-schoolers as they did their best to get expelled from Bayside High. Despite committing many heinous acts on a weekly basis, the inseparable friends avoided the law for a whopping five seasons (including The College Years, of course).

The high-school drama was driven by the experiences of Zack Morris, an innovative thinker and entrepreneur who became the most famous graduate in Bayside history. Other characters included the mentally challenged Screech, negative nancy Jessie, muscle-bound A.C., fashionista Lisa, and that other girl…Katie, or Keisha, or whatever her name was. The show was a hit, entertaining audiences with thrilling action, over-the-top comedy, and intense drama. Choosing only ten superior episodes was tough – near impossible, in fact – but here it is. My top ten moments in Saved by the Bell History: Part I.

 

10. Zack embraces his American Indian roots (episode: “Running Zack”, imdb.com)

If his bleach-blonde hair and silky smooth skin didn’t clue you in, this episode certainly made it clear – Zack Morris is part Native American Indian. In this tear-jerker of an episode, Zack must embrace the past for the sake of the future…of the track team. In his effort to defeat longtime high-school rival Valley, Zack summons the tutelage of Chief Henry to help him in his quest to complete his project. Nowadays, if a teacher asks you to complete a project on your heritage, you can probably opt out, but not so in the early 90s. Things take a turn for the tragic, however, when Chief Henry dies suddenly, leaving Zack to weigh his options…in regard to the track meet. Simple solution? Have a vision! The spirit of Chief Henry consoles Zack and ultimately convinces him to run in the track meet. Zack’s race is not presented in the episode, but I think we all know that Valley has the superior athletic program.

9. The Zack Attack is nothing without Zack, duh. (episode: Rockumentary, imdb.com)

In this season 3 episode, Casey Kasem chronicles the rise to fame of the band The Zack Attack. Zack, Slater, Screech, Lisa, and Kelly form a band, and Zack is clearly the only one qualified to lead. From garage band to the big time, The Zack Attack’s rise to stardom is exceptional. Things go awry, however, when the other members, i.e. not Zack, decide that their sub-par material is better than Zack’s amazing song choices. This schism destroys the band, sending its members on varying career arcs. Lisa becomes an American Gladiator, Screech goes on a journey to see the high geek, Kelly takes on acting, and Slater decides to become a race car driver. Ironically, the group ends up destroying Zack’s career anyways when Slater gets into a wreck, which forces everyone to put their dreams on hold and go to the hospital. Long story short, the band gets back together, throws one last concert, and then decides to go back to high school.

“Nothin’ like a good ol’ fashion street fight. Somebody hit G7!”

8. Zack and Slater’s epic fistfight (episode: “The Fight,” imdb.com)

When Bayside’s newest student Joanna arrives on the scene, Zack and Slater both fall head over heels. When Zack tried to put the moves on, Slater quickly flexes his muscles in a vain attempt at stealing the girl’s heart. As the episode progresses, the feud between Zack and Slater begins to spin out of control, until the two finally exchange fisticuffs in the Bayside hallway. The exchange ends in a draw, and despite Belding’s attempts to reconcile the two, their resentment lingers. Meanwhile, Lisa falls for Darren, a freshman! Can you believe that!? He might as well have been an 8^th grader. Seriously. Anyways, the episode concludes on the night of the Senior Kick-Off Party, during which Lisa realizes she really does like Darren, despite the fact that he is, like, 14 years old. Elsewhere at The Max, which is party central for Bayside students, Slater and Zack work out their differences by dousing each other with ladles of fruit punch. On the verge of blows again, all feelings of hatred are quickly forgotten when Belding’s wig falls into the punch bowl. Laughter ensues, concluding one of the more violent episodes in Saved by the Bell history.

“You got me out of bed for THIS!”

7. The gang drinks, drives, and crashes Lisa’s mom’s car (episode: “Drinking and Driving,” imdb.com)

This season four episode was one of the most dramatic of the entire series. It is Homecoming of their senior year, and Zack and friends decide to attend an innocent toga party at Ox’s house. When the kegs arrive, Tori splits and Screech refuses to take part, but that doesn’t stop Slater from cracking open a cold one. Next thing they know, they are wasted without a ride (thanks Tori). Zack takes the keys and proceeds to crash the car. Tori comes through after all by getting the car towed, but how will they 1. Cover the cost of the damaged car (Lisa’s mom’s car, by the way), and 2. Come up with a story convincing enough to fool their parents? On top of that, Slater separates his shoulder and is looking doubtful for the big football match. I won’t spoil it for you, but one thing is certain – the crew get what they deserve, if what they deserve is a good scolding from their parents.

6. Zack’s school song performance ruined (episode: “School Song,” imdb.com)

The Bayside crew needs to come up with an idea for the annual Senior Gift. Zack and the rest of the gang meet up in Belding’s office to discuss the possibilities, but instead of sharing their ideas, the group decides to verbally abuse Zack Morris. “You graduating will be a gift in itself,” they joke to one another. This is more than a jest, however, and Zack realizes that despite his many great deeds, he can still do more. The musical genius that he is, Zack decides that they should produce a new school song.

The senior class members put their heads together, but creative tension that may or may not have been directly caused by Zack, causes schisms to form. Now, many school songs come into play, written and performed by the newly divided senior class. Some of their songs are good, some are terrible, but one song is the clear choice. Zack’s song “Cool School,” is a masterpiece of form and function.

There are some, however, that believe Screech’s less impressive school song should be the winner. The vote is on for the new school song, and the school auditorium is the venue for the epic showdown. It is all for naught, however, when Zack’s “friends” slip lemon juice into his water before his performance. With his vocal chords ravaged by the citric acid, Zack is unable to perform with his usual verve. Screech’s boring song ends up winning and “Cool School” is lost to the annals of history. How unfortunate.

Stay tuned for part 2!

The Rise of Bill and Ted

          

 

Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Theodore Logan almost didn’t show up in time to make the 80’s. The door was closing on the great decade, but in February of 1989, Bill and Ted stuck their feet in the door (maybe one of them just stuck one foot in, who knows) and declared that the golden age was not over yet.

Driven by an intense desire for personal fulfillment and the need to adhere to societal standards, Bill and Ted embarked on a quest to successfully complete their history presentation (and accompanying paper, which did not appear in the film). If they failed, their lives would be all but over; Ted would be sent to an Alaskan military school and Bill would quickly come to realize that playing air guitar was not proper preparation for being in a real band. The two pushed  on and when a short, partially bald man from the future emerged from a telephone booth time machine imploring them to finish their assignment, they knew it was about to get real.

Rufus was his name and he wore sunglasses, but could they trust him? At that moment, their future selves appeared to confirm what the short bald man had said. “This is the only way,” future Bill announced, “And by the way, don’t forget to cite your sources according to MLA style guidelines.” Once the young lads were convinced, Rufus escorted Bill and Ted to the year 1805, where they witnessed Napoleon Bonaparte leading his troops into battle. This short trip into the past proved more troublesome than they had anticipated, however, when Napoleon was accidentally sucked into the time portal leading to 1988. So much for the butterfly effect.

The boys were undeterred. In fact, they had constructed a plan. “We should just kidnap a bunch of historical figures and force them into helping us,” Ted suggested, and after a brief discussion, the two agree that this would be the best plan of action. The two heroes proceeded, leaving Napoleon in the hands of Ted’s thirteen-year-old brother, Deacon. The boy reluctantly agreed, but he would later prove his disloyalty by abandoning Napoleon. Oh well- to the phone booth!

Focused on their task of abducting only the most influential figures of the past, Bill and Ted successfully lasso Billy the Kid, Socrates, Sigmund Freud, Beethoven, Genghis Khan, Joan of Arc, and Abraham Lincoln. History experts could not have done better. The two over-achievers even manage to capture the hearts of two young princesses, who would later become key members of the Wyld Stallyns, Bill and Ted’s moderately successful band.

Arriving back in San Dimas with plenty of time to spare, the rag tag group heads to the local mall. This turns out to be an absolutely terrible decision, which would not only jeopardize their history presentation, but would also mar the time-travel industry. Billy the Kid is promptly arrested for unlicensed firearms, Genghis Khan murders several associates of Dick’s Sporting Good, and Socrates is cited for public urination (also not in the movie). With the presentation mere hours away, Bill and Ted must find a way to rescue their captives from the local prison. A voice recording is all it takes to fool Ted’s dimwitted father and Bill and Ted miraculously spring their presentation-puppets from prison. Mission accomplished. Now, to the school!

 

 

The presentation itself is groundbreaking, but it was not without several minutes of preparation and rehearsal. Coordination with the light and sound guy was critical to providing the proper atmosphere, and the casual attire worn by Bill and Ted put the other students at ease. Despite the presentation lasting much, much longer than intended, Bill and Ted received the top grade in the class and, furthermore, since the teacher was grading on a curve, all of the other presentations failed. The message of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is universal: if you don’t have access to a time machine, your endeavors will undoubtedly fail. Another lesson learned.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is a quality film containing plenty of excitement and classic 80’s humor. The movie would propel the two stars, Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves, into the upper stratosphere of stardom. Keanu Reeves would go on to star in such critically acclaimed hits as Chain Reaction and Hard Ball, while Alex Winter would find success as the voice for the cartoon version of Bill. Despite their busy schedules, the two have all but confirmed a third Bill and Ted movie, which will hopefully be released worldwide at some point in the next decade. Here’s hoping that it will be sooner rather than later.

 

Coming Up…I count down the top ten moments of Saved by the Bell!

Event Synopsis: The Mustache Wars

Mustache [muhs-tash]

            noun

            1. The hair growing on the upper lip

2. Such hair on men, allowed to grow without shaving, and often trimmed in any of various shapes

(Definitions provided by dictionary.reference.com)

The mustache is an anomaly. All men want one, but not all are willing or able to provide an environment suitable for growth. Popularity was never higher than in the 70’s, when an estimated 95% of all men had mustaches. Ranging from the whiskers sprouting after a long weekend to the Prefontaine, mustaches were a sign that humanity would no longer accept a mustache-less society. The 70’s laid the foundation that the 80’s would build upon. It would become a kingdom such that men had never seen.

The mustache approached the world like a storm and when it finally struck, there was chaos. Children cried out in the streets and men tore their clothes. “What is that?!” They shouted, “And how can I ever hope to achieve such masculinity?”

Men like Burt Reynolds and Danny Glover only smiled. “We have not come to divide the world, but to bring unity and a lot of envy and heartbreak when women realize our mustaches cannot easily be matched.”

“That sounds like a great idea.” The people were overjoyed, but they did not know that even greater mustaches were on the way.

Check Norris and Tom Selleck ushered in a new era of mustaches. They represented the casual male, unconcerned about extravagance of design. Their mustaches were classy and confident. They did not need to prove anything more than was already proven (which was a lot). “We will take the reins,” they seemed to say, “as representatives of mankind.” After all, who would disapprove?

From Hulk Hogan, whose starring role in the film Suburban Commando earned him a spot among the all-time greats, to John Oates, pop idol sensation, mustached men were seizing control. Lando Calrissian gained the seat of power in Cloud City, while the brothers Mario gained duel regency over the Mushroom Kingdom. While Chuck Norris and his mustache were rescuing POWs, Tom Magnum and his blue jeans were solving mysteries in Hawaii. Every day was a chance for new mustached heroes to emerge, but in 1989, Michael Keaton happened.

Upon the release of Batman in ’89, a frightening trend occurred in which men were shaving their mustaches. The clean-shaven Michael Keaton put the world on notice. “You don’t need a mustache to be the batman,” he said, “you obviously need devilishly good looks and loads of charm, but you don’t need a mustache.”

This statement, published in newspapers around the world, was a revelation. “Who is this man, and why should I listen to him?” The outcry of the mustached masses was overwhelming, but when they saw Batman their cries became whispers. Perhaps this man Michael Keaton was on to something. That lull was all it took for men like Bill Murray, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Tom Hanks to stage their coup. The age of the mustache was over.

Men quietly trimmed their mustaches into more manageable styles, while others took more drastic measures. Men of renown were not so easily swayed and even now some continue to hold onto hope that the age of the mustache will return. Members of the underground have since grown beards, eagerly anticipating the day when they can quickly join the ranks of the mustached elite.

In a recent interview with a Randy Pinklebrower, a former possessor of a mustache, the future seemed hopeful:

We had our golden age, but what comes after that? Gold doesn’t just disappear, it sits in your drawer or in some kind of urn until you need it again. Just look at that Smeagol character. He knew that someday he would get his ring back, but he knew that patience was a virtue. When the time came, he bit the finger right off that dude and took it. It didn’t turn out so well after that, but you get what I’m saying, right? We’re just waiting for that chance to bite the finger.

Perhaps this golden age that Pinklebrower speaks of will arrive sooner than expected. Whatever the case, have those clippers or scissors ready.

Coming up…A closer look at the time-traveling hijinks of Bill and Ted.

Where are they now? Mike Tyson’s Punchout!!

 

Michael Gerard Tyson, or Iron Mike as you may know him, is as much an 80’s icon as Indiana Jones or Rambo. He may not have had the charisma of Doctor Jones or the exploding-tip arrows of John J., but what he did have was the ability to punch people really hard in their face and torso. Deep down, everyone wishes they had such a skill, but very few people possess it. Mike Tyson was one such gifted individual and if you’ve never taken the time to go on Youtube to watch a Mike Tyson highlight film, I will offer a moment to do so…

Now that you’ve had an opportunity to realize the devastating nature of Mike Tyson, it is time to talk about his greatest contribution to society, Mike Tyson’s Punchout!! Released for the Nintendo Entertainment System in 1985, Mike Tyson’s Punchout was an update to the original Punchout!!, an arcade game released the previous year, which did not use the name or likeness of Iron Mike. At some point in 1985, the President of Nintendo of North America attended a boxing match featuring Mike Tyson and was left with such an impression that he decided to endorse this up and coming star. Before Iron Mike even claimed the heavyweight title, he was contacted by Nintendo and sold the rights to his persona for use in the NES port. Now, players were pitted against Mike Tyson himself rather than the final boss of the original, Super Macho Man. Reflecting his real life boxing prowess, one punch from cartoon Mike was enough to signal GAME OVER.

In addition to the near-impossible difficulty of cartoon Mike, the player encountered many other foes whose otherworldly features provided their own challenge. From Glass Joe to Piston Honda to Soda Popinski, Little Mac faced long odds from the start. Named, in part, after a popular McDonald’s sandwich, Little Mac slowly worked his way up the ranks of the cartoon boxing world. With the help of his coach, Doc Lewis, Little Mac trained for seconds at a time, constantly running the same stretch of river-front, which offered some lovely views of Lady Liberty. If players were lucky enough to survive the charge of Bald Bull and the uppercuts of Madrid-born Don Flamenco, they could earn a shot at Mike Tyson, who waited patiently in the digital world while players progressed through the main campaign.

The luxuriant lives these former fighters once knew is no more, however; Their best days are behind them. In 2004 Super Macho Man was found guilty of tax evasion and sentenced to ten years of probation. In 2007 Don Flamenco was found dead in his one bedroom apartment, the victim of an apparent expired can of tomato sauce. Cause of death: Boboli Pizza. Some others have had better luck. Piston Honda successfully owns and operates a used electronics store in Little Tokyo, while Mr. Bull works as a high school P.E. teacher in South Texas. Former Star Mike Tyson still clings to stardom, appearing in films and on television shows in order to restore some of his lost fortune. Perhaps somewhere in the digital world his fearsome persona exists, awaiting the next challenger. No one can say, but this picture, taken recently near the Detroit Metro area, shows how far the mighty have fallen.

 

Coming up Next…We’ll take a look at the best mustaches of the 80′s!

Closer Look: Rocky IV

       The debate over which film can claim the top spot as the greatest ever has been going on for ages. Most people don’t realize that the issue was laid to rest over ten years ago in a remote research laboratory in Southern Minnesota. It was there that scientists, using some kind of mathematical and highly dangerous experimental procedure, determined that, without a doubt, Rocky IV was the best movie ever made. These men and women determined that Rocky IV had the best cinematography, the most beautiful soundtrack, the most complex plot, and the best duo of protagonist, Ivan Drago, and antagonist, Rocky, in the history of entertainment. If that weren’t enough, these same scientists vowed never to watch another movie again, knowing that they had already discovered perfection.

The plot of Rocky IV is a microcosm of the world as we knew it back then, and the world as it now floats in the great black death void. Ivan Drago is an everyman, most likely raised in a remote region of Siberia where he helped his father tend the fields while his mother, who probably suffered from consumption or some other affliction, tried to outlast the cold winter months. Ivan is the underdog and his family’s last hope of finding a way out of poverty.

On the other end we have several antagonists, who all seem to represent the pomp of extreme American patriotism. Apollo Creed, who seemingly grew up in extreme wealth in the suburbs of Beverly Hills, has the luxury of becoming a professional boxer. Rocky Balboa, who lived a relatively posh life (leather jackets, access to high quality meat products, etc.) in Philadelphia, is a much more endearing character simply due to the fact that one of his first purchases after finding stardom was a house-cleaning robot. Rocky is also motivated by his wife Adrian, who constantly doubts him while having the audacity to continuously demand bigger and better luxury-style goods. The juxtaposition with Drago’s own wife Ludmilla, who only wants her husband to follow his dreams, sets up for a fantastic showdown in the movie’s second half.

The backstory is in place and the movie can now begin its rising crescendo. Apollo Creed plays with his dogs in the pool. The television plays nearby, showing a live press-conference of the Soviet Union’s pride and glory, Ivan Drago. His story is one of hope and provides millions of Soviet citizens with a national hero. Apollo Creed, driven by vainglory and his own government’s unwarranted hatred of the Soviet Union, cannot stand to watch another man’s rise to glory. “I must fight,” he insists,”for myself and the good old red, white, and blue.” His friends try to talk some sense into him, but it is too late; his mind is made up. In fact, he has already started doing sprints near the tide-line in a tank top and extremely short shorts, a sure-fire sign to his friends that he is in it for the long haul.

Several weeks later, after the press tour and all the pre-fight hype events are over, the battle begins. After the extravagant and absurd entrance presentation by Apollo, the fight begins and proceeds as expected. Ivan Drago, hardened by his years in the Siberian snowfields, dispatches the cocky Creed and fulfills one of the goals he had set in his youth of showing the world that the American dream is a lie that the government uses to promote men and women to spend loads of money on government instituted programs. With his goal accomplished Ivan was content to return to his country and get back to work, but Rocky’s own vengeful agenda would not allow such a well-earned retreat. “No,” Rocky vowed, “you killed my friend and now I have nobody to spar with; nobody to race by the tide-line.”

The epic nature of the film demanded more and it delivered like no one could have expected. Rocky hastily announces the fight with Drago who accepts, knowing the the money he will earn could save his father’s farm and provide medical care for his ailing mother. After the press-conference debacle in which Rocky’s training staff disrespects Ivan’s homeland, a chilling scene unfolds in which Adrian proclaims from her perch at the top of the staircase in their lavish abode that he, Rocky Balboa – the Italian Stallion, cannot win. He knows it is true. “How can I compete with someone who represents so much? He is also very chiseled,” He tells himself. “I must become chiseled too.” He also knows that only in Russia can one train to become so well-defined and, following an outstanding montage in which he realizes that there is no easy way out, Rocky knows he must press on. He says goodbye to his annoying son and dismisses his wife’s cold gaze.

The film reaches its peak, if you can call something that never declines a peak, when Rocky arrives in the Soviet Union. It is cold and lonely; a representation of himself. In a remote cabin where Paulie cannot even watch the Rose Bowl game, Rocky begins his training. Elsewhere, Ivan prepares in his own way, one that has been misinterpreted by nearly everyone, myself excluded. In between his running, lifting, squatting, and other muscle building activities, Ivan receives injections NOT of steroids, but of muscle inhibitors. If Ivan were able to allow his muscles to develop naturally, he would eventually grow into a Super-Shredder type character. That type of physique, while generally desirable, is not the most efficient for a boxer. By stunting the growth of his muscles, Ivan is able to maintain his training regimen while putting aside any worries of becoming a physical freak.

Rocky prepares for the fight in his own unique way and, now that Adrian has joined him with a new found respect for her husband, he is able to make the best of his limited resources. Hoisting logs into a wheelbarrow, crawling on all fours through the snow, and sprinting up a snow encrusted mountain are but a handful of the methods Rocky uses to shape himself into the fighter he needs to be. After a few minutes of such training and the montage to end all montages, Rocky is ready to stand toe to toe with Ivan Drago.

The final scene is frenzied as the pre-fight ceremony places even more pressure across Ivan’s broad shoulders. He is fighting for the people, as a proper Soviet gentleman should. The canvas depicting his princely image hangs behind the crowd and provides a suitable backdrop for the war that is about to take place. The bell rings and Ivan wastes no time in punching the meat sack that calls himself Rocky. Round after round the fighters exchange blows, but when Ivan is finally cut, the turncloak crowd suddenly turns on their hero. “How can this be?” Ivan is bewildered. These are his people. This is his family. Rocky has the crowd; even Ivan’s own manager becomes frustrated by what has transpired. Ivan has been betrayed and rather than participate in the deception, he chooses to fall. Ivan Drago loses the fight of his own accord. The battle is over and Rocky is victorious, ignorant of the fact that Ivan has thrown the fight. In his heart, Ivan knows he has done what is right. “The U.S. needs their illusions of victory. They are nothing without their pride,” He tells Ludmilla, confident that the motherland will be tempered through adversity.

The film concludes with an exhausted Rocky giving a heart-felt speech, while his disobedient son watches on despite his bedtime curfew. The movie concludes much as it began with the U.S. blindly clutching to their hero, while the Soviet Union continues to realize that heroes do not exist. This is the lesson of Rocky IV.

Other fun facts about the film: Dolph Lundgren sent Sylvester Stallone to the emergency room with a punch to the chest. Dolph Lundgren has an IQ of 160, speaks seven languages, and holds a Master’s degree in chemical engineering. Rocky IV is the highest grossing film in the series, taking in about $300 million worldwide. Soviet heavyweights were not allowed to box professional fighters during the Cold War.
Next up…We’ll take a look at the rise of Mike Tyson from lowly street tough to final boss of Mike Tyson’s Punchout!

The 80′s under review – Introduction

          Many of you are familiar with the decade known simply as “The 80′s.” Perhaps you were born before the 80′s and had the opportunity to experience it in its entirety. Some of you may have been born after the onset of the great decade, opening your squinting little baby eyes to see the world at its peak. For those born in more recent times, I apologize; there are only remnants left for you. Like the civilization of Atlantis, or an empty bag that was once full of donuts (cream-filled, long johns, sprinkled, etc.), the 80′s are a but distant memory. Traces may be found in Good Will stores, or, God-willing, you may find a relic in your own basement. A collection of old video tapes or a derelict Nintendo Entertainment System may be all you or I have left. we cannot forget – we must not!

At some point in the morning or perhaps evening of 1986, I was born.  Little did I know what was happening in the world outside those hospital walls. Mike Tyson was on his way to his first WBA title, the Soviets were preparing to conquer outer space, which one can only assume they did without much difficulty, and Top Gun was but a week away from propelling the career of legendary actor Val Kilmer into the stratosphere. These events are but a glimpse into the unimaginable goings-on of the decade called the 80′s. It is time we revisit this golden age and in doing so, mayhaps we can reclaim some of what was lost.

Coming up next…We will take a closer look at the movie that defined the Cold War and inspired billions of people in the process.